I find it really joyful to be able to be looking at your own blog and then have the option to click a button that takes you to a complete stranger's blog. It's so interesting, and often times, inspirational, to see how others are living their lives day by day. I especially love it when I stumble upon other military girlfriends' or wives' blogs. It's so great to know that there are couples out there who are a part of a military family and who are going strong. It's beautiful, really. It makes me more and more excited (not that I'm not already ecstatic) to continue my journey with Tyler & the Army.
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I want to make a promise to myself to take better care of my body and mind through eating healthier and working out more. For some reason, I have the hardest time with committing to doing this for myself, but there will be no excuses. I want to be as raw and truthful as I possibly can, and with that said, I want to let you know about something that I have struggled with for a while now.
I have always been really critical of myself and how I look. I've always had a hard time accepting my body the way it is or ever has been. This 'obsession', I guess you could call it, began at a very early age when I was in the third grade. I was a VERY chubby kid, I'm talking cabbage patch cheeks and all, and as I grew older, I realized that all of the other kids around me were skinnier than me. It really bothered me, but I didn't try to do anything about it. Then one day, I heard my step dad telling my mom that I ate too many 'sweets' and 'fattening' foods and that it was not good for me. For some reason, even only as a third grader, I was really hurt by this and I decided to do something about it. I remember that every day after school, I would want to stay on the playground and play tetherball, softball, basketball, tag, hide n' seek...anything to be active and that's just what I would do. From the third grade on, I became very active, even though it was just on the playground at school. This was as extreme as I became until we moved to Arkansas.
I was starting 5th grade. At that age, 'popularity groups' were starting to form, and of course I wanted to be liked. Surprisingly enough, although I was still chubby, I was 'accepted' into the 'popular' group, but I definitely was not the most popular and my mind told me that this was because of my weight. During my fifth grade year, I had my first big crush on a boy...but I had my little heartbroken because he thought I was too 'fat'. That really was the biggest blow...yes, even in the fifth grade. That year was gone and over with and soon I was starting the 6th grade...even more pre-teen drama was present and I dreaded it. Regardless, I begged and begged my mom to let me join pee-wee cheerleading (thankfully there weren't tryouts, considering I had never cheered or danced at all in my life). She let me and I loved it...and surprisingly, was pretty good at cheering and dancing. I did pee-wee both my sixth and seventh grade years, and as a part of growing up, I lost some of my chubbiness...but definitely still had it. Because I liked dancing and cheering so much, I decided to actually try out for my eight grade junior high school dance/cheer team and somehow made it. Going into it, I was still a seventh grader and at this age, I became extremely obsessed with practicing my ass off and rarely ate a full meal because of it. I was too busy with perfecting my cheers and dances. I'd like to say that I didn't realize that I was skipping eating, but I truly was. I realized that with all of the exercise I was getting from practice, and the little food that I consumed, I lost more and more weight and it made me very happy. I felt pretty and that's all I had ever wanted. That is where I guess you can say I started to become anorexic...or anorexia was becoming me. Being on a dance team probably didn't help matters any. Too tight of uniforms reminded you of how fat you were. Not having the prettiest hair on the team, (I have really thin hair), made you feel ugly. I also had freckles. At that age, my mom still would not let me wear much makeup, unlike all of the other girls, so I was self-conscience about that, too. To feel better about myself, I continued with my poor eating habits and established a very frail and thin figure my eight grade year. I of course didn't see it then, but looking back at photos now, I was sickly rail. During the ninth grade, I made the dance team again, and one of my team mate's, who was bigger than me, started having body image issues, as well. She never told us, but we all knew because she was losing a lot of weight and rather quickly, too. She was bulimic…something I had never tried before, but did after hearing that it worked for her. I don't think I would have done this if I wasn't getting back to a healthier weight in the tenth grade. Seeing that the weight was so easy and eager to come back, I resorted to trying my best to not eat, but when I gave in, I'd purge and force myself to throw everything I consumed back up. I knew it wasn't something I should have been doing, but it made me feel so much better. Even after purging, I still felt guilty, so I had acquired a crazy workout routine every day after school.
Calf raises, squats after squats, non-stop sit-ups to three of the longest songs I had on my iPod (usually around 4 minutes each, totaling to 12 minutes of sit-ups; and that was just one set), as many pushups that I could get out of myself in one try; and then repeat that two more times, flutter kicks, and jogging in place for a very long time(I hated running where people could see me which is why I resorted to this).
I did this every day after school in my parents' room. The reason for doing it in their room was because as I was working out, I could see myself in their bathroom mirror from far away, which would motivate me to keep pushing because I couldn't stand what I was seeing. I was extremely motivated and dedicated to being in shape, but not in a healthy way.
In the eleventh grade, for some reason, I wasn't as anal about my body. I mean, I still cared, and I still had my moments...but I wasn't near as bad as before. My 'disorder' had sort of left me, but I still had lingering thoughts about how I wasn't completely happy about my body. For some reason, I just COULD NOT bring myself to stay 'dedicated' to an eating disorder...which, I know, sounds really messed up, but it frustrated me so much. I envied the girls who had the 'control' to keep from eating, or who retaliated against themselves when they did eat. Throughout my eleventh and twelfth grade years, I still had moments when I would feel completely guilty about something that I had eaten and would purge to make myself feel better, but it didn't completely consume my life.
I think this is something that will always be a part of who I am. I think I will always have an issue when it comes to self-image and how I choose to obtain mine. Heck, I went into very LITTLE detail about my disorder, but enough to understand. I'm grateful to say, however, that I am in no way like I used to be. I think that one of the reasons I am not very good as committing to any kind of eating habits or exercise is because I fear that I will start to become obsessive like I used to be. It was hell living like that, but I will not let that be an excuse. Here's to a healthier me!
